This class has been incredibly different from any class I ever took in high school. I could learn about U.S. history, calculus, or British literature and never even think about myself. It was so easy to separate school knowledge from life knowledge. I could learn about a lot of things, but that didn’t mean I had to learn about myself. Why was this great? Because learning about myself is scary! Really, I’d rather be oblivious sometimes. But the most significant part of this class for me so far has been reflecting what I’ve learned onto my own life.
When I decided to take this class, I thought, “Can feminism coexist with romance? Why of course they can! I am a feminist, I am a romantic, I am a perfect example of the coexistence!” Well I had reason to think that, because there was no way I was going to admit to myself that maybe I was not the best example of combining feminism and romance. I thought my life was perfect and all figured out because I had this.
I was in a happy relationship, one that I had no intentions
of giving up, and I still had dreams and goals for my future. I was a feminist! I was a romantic! I
didn’t need to change! For the first few weeks of class, I applied everything I
learned to the world, to other people, to literary characters, basically
everybody except for myself. I
could see how romance novels were “anti-feminist”, as they sometimes promoted
dependency on a man. It was easy
for me to think this way because I wasn’t a romance reader. I didn’t have to put myself into
the equation. However, when we
started reading Caitlin Moran, and theory on feminism in general, I could no
longer keep myself out of the equation.
I finally had to ask the question, “Am I really a feminist?”. I still believe the answer is yes. The
hardest question, though, is whether or not I’m living out that feminism in the
best way.
So
I guess my first “moment” was realizing that I’ve been missing out on an
important part of learning in my life. I haven’t been connecting my learning to
my own life, and questioning my own beliefs based off of what I’ve learned.
I’ve been way too critical about all relationships and women except for those
directly involving me!! Who am I to judge Laura MacGregor for falling in love
if I can’t judge Lexi Hoffman for doing the same thing? This realization made
me think critically about my own life.
Okay,
I didn’t break up with my boyfriend to become a lesbian because feminists
critique romance novels…. But I certainly took a good hard look at my
relationship, and what I figured out was that I was sacrificing some feminist
ideals for romance. Do I believe
that I can be a feminist and still be in a serious, romantic relationship? Yes,
absolutely. I guess the real, hard-hitting question for me is am I doing that
in the right way? For now, my answer is no. I still have to figure out how to
balance my feminism and my relationship.
My
next moment came when I was reading Susan Elizabeth Phillip’s chapter,
specifically when she stated that she didn’t read romance because she wanted to
be with the hero, but instead she read romance because of the heroine’s
conquering of the hero. I can
definitely relate with Phillips at this point in my life, as I’m not
looking for a “bad boy” to reign in with my intelligence, courage and
whatnot. I prefer the nice-guys. However, this has not always been
true. I will not lie, when I was
fifteen years old, I wanted an Edward Cullen. I didn’t care that he sulked all the time, hated himself,
and could easily kill me. He was
hot and I wanted him. I mean, look at him, can you really blame me??
Okay, so what does this have to do with Feminism and
Romance? What was my “moment” (Besides the fact that I had horrible taste in novels as a fifteen year old)?
What it all comes down to is that my ideas about feminism and romance
and how they relate to my own life have been evolving over years without me
consciously thinking about them.
Somewhere between 15 and 18 I realized that the ideal boyfriend does not
sulk, have a history of murder, or leave you covered in bruises when you wake
up in the morning. My tastes have
evolved and become more feminist as I’ve grown up, and I think this is an
important part of feminism and romance.
It’s not black and white; it’s a process. I have a long way to go to find the balance in my own
relationship, but I’ve certainly come a long way throughout the course of this class, and my life in general.
As I read Lexis post, I have to say it was very similar to me. Yes entering this class has been very different from High School. It is very easy to sit down learn about history, calc and those subjects, but when it comes to learning about us… it’s a whole different story… It’s very very hard.
ReplyDeleteLexi is in a relationship and is a feminist, and me.. well I was in a four year relationship.. and afterword’s when I broke up I went in search of a different love story, no a relationship, but a love. This brought me to the same issue Lexi has, Are we feminist? Are we really sacrificing feminism to have love in our life’s?
Lexi in my opinion we are not giving up part of our feminist side for romance, we are embracing being not only a women, but being human being. Love is something we are all born with, and we should no see it as giving up power, but as a power itself. (Even animal have love, why should loving and longing the love makes us any less.)
I think it’s important to acknowledge that when were in relationships, we are still in power. We chose to love them, and if they don’t treat us the right way, I am sure you, like me wouldn’t stick around to tolerate that, that is power.
Love is something we have, but when we don’t have it, as Judith Arnold said in Dangerous men and Adventures women, “ They are to busy- feeding their kids, taking care of their sibling, completing education…-doing”(Arnold 135), we don’t stop our lives in despair when a relationship goes wrong, we may be devastating, but we keep on doing, and living life.
I sometimes feel the same way, balancing my romance with my feminism side, but I realize when we can have romance and still do other stuff with our lives then we are feminist. On the other hand if we are like Bella, “passive, hapless, and an utter mess. Not only is she physically inept, but she has no particular talents or even distinguishing characteristics other than her desperation for romance”( Berlatsky prg.4)then I think there’s a problem. That where your letting love and romance take control over your person. Its ok to have romance and be a feminist, but don’t let romance overpower your life, because that’s when you stop having the power over the men, and letting him have the power over you.
Lexi,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all Twilight is a great book series just a terrible movie series.
Until I took this class I too did not connect my education to my own life. It is always hardest to judge yourself accurately. It is always to analyze other people first. Like you I thought I was both. I always wanted to be swept off my feet by a boy but I also always had my own dreams. But then I began considering my past relationships. I was always needed my independence. I had a hard time having a boy expect something from me. I will hang out with him but I also need my own space. So unlike you, Lexi, I find myself falling toward the feminist side. I would rather be independent than have a man who I would change myself and my decisions for. So while I do love romance movies and books I think it is hard for me to call myself a romantic when I treat my relationships like that.
I absolutely agree with you that it is possible to be both. But you have to find your way there and I am definitely not. I understand that it is possible and I have seen it in my own life observing both my parents’ relationship and my brother’s long time one. I believe both have feminism and romance in them. I just have not found the balance yet. The only way to find it is to gain the experience and figure out how to handle both.
You do a great job of pointing out the type of men commonly seen in popular culture, the “bad boys.” While it is true at some point in a girl’s life this is the type of boy she’ll want. But finding the nice boys, the one who will treat a woman right is the way they will find the balance. They have to be able to respect each other and often the bad boy will just push the girl around. I love how you explain it as a stage and recognizing how we need to move on from it in order to find the balance we all seek.
Hi Lexi :)
ReplyDeleteI really related to your post because I completely agree that I have never really had to “reflect inward” in a class before this one. I feel that this class has been such an amazing experience for me solely based on the analytical skills I’ve acquired about how to apply what I learn in this class to my own life. When I took a step back and connected what I had learned from the class to my life I was able to realize that a previous relationship I had been in was dominated by the man, and although I had not really put too much thought into it I subconsciously knew that this was not how a relationship was supposed to work. He had what Judith Arnold calls “Man does, woman is syndrome” in which the man is the hero and the woman is just there to be saved by the man (Arnold 133). Although I know that I still have a lot to learn about feminism and the romance, I am now with someone who values me as an equal instead of just a passive woman.
I can also admit that I was very much in love with Edward Cullen at the age of fifteen. But, like you, throughout this class I have realized how my taste in men has changed throughout the past few years for the better. “Romance novels are tales of brave women taming dangerous men” (Krentz 113). Although I would never actually want to be in a relationship with Edward Cullen, the thought of Bella “taming” him empowered my fifteen-year-old self. Without the romance novels I read as a young adult, I don’t know if I would be the same woman I am today.